My experience with loss

The following is based off of some stories that got deleted in August 2022, like 10 in a row within seconds of each other. Super frustrating when talking about a personal experience like this. I ended up deleting all of the stories then because they no longer made sense since tidbits here and there were missing.

First and foremost thank you to my trolls who screenshot, screen record, and document my every move. This video or blog post would not be possible without you. I’m sure I am taking up a lot of storage on your iPhones. Hopefully they come out with some extra gigabytes for you all soon <3

No but actually one of my followers sent me this from a hate page so thankful you can see some of my stories here if you missed them. In the beginning I was just talking about our new Night Cap product and how it is one of those products you just HAVE to trust me on!!! It is literally the best sleep product. I struggled for a long time with sleep products because I always wakeup the next day feeling like crap, so they are to worth it to me. I have brain fog, feel exhausted, and even get headaches. Night Cap was created to help you relax, turn off your mind, fall asleep, and STAY asleep, while also helping you feel rested and refreshed in the morning. No brain fog here! That was one of the most important things to me when this product was created. I’m so proud of this product and I hope you will give it a shot.

Next I was talking about Goddess, and a bit about my miscarriages. You can watch those stories below, and then I shared more on my miscarriages below. If you are struggling to get or stay pregnant my heart is with you. Whatever the reasoning may be I hope you trust God and listen to your body first and foremost.

stories that got deleted

Well, I never really planned to write a blog post on this or even get super into detail. I never shared when it happened publicly, let alone with anyone I knew besides my best friend Jayleigh, and of course John. I had 3 losses in a year prior to having Emmy. Totally unexplained. I did ALL the expensive testing you could do hoping something would come up and nothing ever did. I was young and truthfully not trying to conceive by any means. But after not getting pregnant for so long, off of birth control, and absolutely not being careful, we kinda just thought we couldn’t get pregnant. Maybe that’s naive to think or say but like I said, we were young.

But then in 2018 I missed my period and took a test. Positive. I freaked out and took another test, then another, all positive. I guess I was going to be a mom after all! A few weeks went by and I remember having a lash client on the table (throwback if you remember me doing eyelash extensions), I was cramping so bad. I kinda felt like I maybe just got my period so I got up and went to the bathroom. I was 100% sure I was having a miscarriage. I cancelled the rest of my clients and went to my doctor. We tested my Hcg levels and my doctor told me to come back in 48 hours and we can test them again. We can see if my pregnancy is continuing or not. That was the longest 48 hours of my life. But I knew the whole time that I lost our baby. In my eyes there was no positive outcome. It happened and I buried it and called it a day. Once again back to thinking I would never get to be a mom

Then the same thing happened a few months later. I did bloodwork, another loss. My doctor said if it happened one more time she would order all the testing to see what was going on. At this point being so young, it was weird to think about having a baby cause we weren’t really ready, but it was even more scary for us to think of the long road we may have ahead of us trying to conceive. At this point I didn't want to be on birth control and it was somewhat hard to track my periods. It happened again. I skipped all of the Hcg testing this time cause I knew what was happening. I just made a normal appointment to get all of my bloodwork done. Full panels, genetic testing, hormone testing, everything.

Thousands of dollars and weeks later I had absolutely nothing. I think for a lot of us that can be the hardest part. Nothing comes up. There’s no reason the doctor can give us why this isn’t happening for us. Maybe I’m just speaking for myself but I know others who feel that way too. You almost want an answer because it’s easier for them to say “this is the exact reason why” and then fix the issue. It’s easier to have a pinpointed reason than it is to have absolutely no reason at all. When you have nothing you feel helpless and you’re relying on a prayer.

During the next year I got healthier. I lost weight after gaining quite a bit of weight, I ate healthier, I reduced stress, I did what I could. My doctor told me if I get a positive pregnancy test to take baby aspirin every day. In April 2019 I did just that, and I have Emerson Grace to show for it. She is my rainbow baby. We’d never been so ready and simultaneously not ready in our lives. We had legitimately accepted we would not have children. We never spoke about it. It was like a hush hush unspoken thing between us. I felt shame like I could not provide the love of my life with a child, and was mad at myself because I had always wanted to be a mom. So I just buried it every day. I never brought it up. If I brought it up it could be real and could be true so it was easier to not talk about.

That was really such a strange out of body time of my life. It’s SO lonely. People talk about it a lot more now so you feel kind of less alone, but not really. It happens so fast and what are you supposed to say about it? And what are others supposed to you? All there really is to say is “i’m so sorry for your loss” and then there’s not much left. And I really feel that way. There’s nothing anyone could have said to soothe it or make it better so I just didn’t want to even go there. Even worse, if you’re in the public eye and you talk about it then you want attention, and if you don’t and then bring it up later you’re lying. So really you can’t win.

If you’re going through this just know that I have been there. A lot of us have been there and it actually is so common. So much of it has to do with us being exposed to crap toxins daily in our food, cosmetics and environment. It’s hard to avoid. Not to mention we are the generation of birth control which is a whole other topic. I will never get back on BC ever again cause it is not right for me and I encourage you to do your own research. I do not eat perfectly and I do still use products that are not considered “clean”. I have found it difficult to cut those things out of my life. I try to make conscious decisions and as you know I use Goddess, which I firmly believe contributes to me maintaining my body’s health and balance.

†These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease.